New Year, Same Me(me)

Year End 

(Done here previously) 

What did you do last year that you'd never done before? 

Wore a mask in public for 3/4 of the year.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for this year? 

I have never done resolutions. 

Did you (or anyone close to you) give birth? 

My British nephew's wife had a baby at the end of 2019 and all the Americans were going over to "meet" her over the course of the year this year. They are pregnant again and I have literally seen ONE photo of the first baby. Obviously no visits over the ocean. 
And more than one former youth-group "kid" had a baby this year. 

Did anyone close to you die?
No family members, but I know a few people personally who died of COVID. I'm sure as we come out of this, I'll discover more and more people I know peripherally who have died. Honestly, it's been heart-breaking to watch other people suffer so much.
Our previous pastor died (I think) early in the year or the end of last year. I still haven't dealt with that fully.

Did you (or anyone close to you) experience a major life-changing event? 

I would like to think that everyone in the entire world experience massive change this year. From all appearances, though, I'm not sure that's true. I try to focus on the individual good things I see, but damn it's gotten pretty hard to see. 

What would you like to have this year that you lacked last year? 

Hugs. F2F church. F2F meetings, the opportunity to eat IN a restaurant. 
At work: less turnover, and can I keep my new "office" (previously a study room for the public).

What date from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 15. Last day of normalcy. Beast had all his teeth removed the next day, his surgeon scoffed that COVID was even worth worrying about, we picked up his dentures on Monday while listening to the office staff call and cancel appointments for the next few weeks. Remember when we thought this would be over by April? 

What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Not killing anyone really was a struggle this year, just generally keeping my emotions out of interactions in general. I have never been so constantly irritated as I have been this year, and had so many people I was "handling things" great. Fuck y'all--I cried and raged at home where you can't watch!
Also, in February at work we started a Little Free Pantry. Just in time. It kept people in town functioning for the next ten months, and ongoing.

What was your biggest failure?

I gave up worrying about failures this year. There is just no contest in anything I did in comparison to the leaders of this country. The only thing I can honestly think of is that I didn't meet my reading goal, since I have lost the ability to read anything complex at all during quar.

Did you suffer illness or injury? 

I fell, hard, a couple of times, about six months apart. Once in a parking lot that banged up my elbow and has finally completely healed, the other at work when I tripped over an errant cable and went down on all fours, missing all the pointy and metal objects that would have fucked me up. I'd like to stop falling. It's worrisome.

What was the best thing you bought? 

Nursing home care. I'd kill Beast in a week if I had him at home with visiting nurses.

Whose behavior merited celebration? 

BLM protestors. Literally ANYONE who wears a mask (and does regular hand-washing). Nurses.
Also Sparky for figuring out life in quarantine and potentially getting a job lead for this year in a better-paying field. 

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

Republicans.
Nazis.
Specific police officers.
Selfish, ignorant people.
(I never thought I'd even categorize people so completely as this year)

Where did most of your money go? 

Nursing home and other medical bills. I'm now officially spending Beast's 401(k) $10,000 per month. So much for retirement....

What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

Microsoft Jigsaw and peanuts. They got me through lockdown and following months.

What song will always remind you of last year? 

Over the past several months, at the end of every Skype call with Beast, I've been singing Seek Ye First to him after saying the Lord's Prayer with him. Between that and the endless replays of Boston and Styx songs when he was comatose/"dying" in the early summer, Spotify thinks I'm completely insane: Styx, Boston, and thousands of hours of murder podcasts.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? 

Of those two, probably about the same. I'm DEFINITELY ANGRIER than I've ever been, though.

 ...thinner or fatter?  

I randomly lost about 10 pounds during lockdown.
I have since gained most of that back.

 ...richer or poorer? 

I will never, ever answer this "richer" for as long as Beast is alive.

What do you wish you'd done more of?  

Hugging in the Times Before, when I could. Going to church and meetings, ditto. Reading.

What do you wish you'd done less of? 

Being furious because my boss is a dumbass.

What was your favorite book? 

It is probably a tie between A Boy and His Dog at the End of the World, by C.A. Fletcher and Fall and Rise: The Story of 9/11, by Mitchell Zuckoff. Both were read around the beginning of The Plague, before I lost my reading mojo.

What was your favorite movie (or TV program)? 

I haven't watched more than about 6 hours of TV of any kind since Memorial Day. Before that, LivePD was the only thing I watched regularly.

What was your greatest discovery? 

The Omnibus podcast. I'm working my way towards current episodes, because there are so many developing inside jokes.

Did anyone come to visit you?  

Only Sparky came inside, unless you count the plumber replacing my hot water heater. Oh, and Arlene, when Beast went on hospice. Otherwise, lots of convos on the front porch and in the driveway.

Did you travel anywhere? 

I went to Sparky's to help him buy a car in January. And I think, yeah, I was there another time where we masked up and ate outside at Portillo's. [if you ever go, everything's good, but OMG the chopped salad is to DIE for, + it's healthy (ish)]

Did you do anything really special and memorable? 

Besides not being in a grocery store more than 5 times since July? I got an "office" last month when they moved me to a study room in the library to space us out further. I agreed to be on my church's ruling body for the next 3 years after 3 years of not being very participatory.

Do you love (really like) anyone or anything now that you didn't love this time last year?

New staff members at work are wonderful people. How do we consistently get such good people? 
Also, I don't think I knew who Kamala Harris was last year, and I really did appreciate her presidential run.

Do you hate (strongly dislike) anyone or anything now that you didn't hate this time last year? OMG. Where to fuckin' start! Republicans as a unit: anyone who supports the policies of the last four years is a fucking asshole and needs to get out of my life and my country yesterday. I know this will offend some of you. You know what? If you approve of the over-all policies of the Trump presidency, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, HATE-FILLED, STUPID PERSON. Don't like hearing that? Hey, how about finding some humanity and empathy for others. Your fuckin' party has neither.

What did you want and get?  

I got to stay home a LOT, which I love.

What did you want and not get? 

Travel. Kindness and empathy and love among humanity. I saw lots of that on a small, interpersonal scale, but overall it was very lacking. 

What did you do on your birthday?  

I have no memory whatsoever. I didn't work. I probably slept a lot.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Leadership from the top down.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept for last year?

I stopped wearing a bra at home. Mostly I wear one when I leave the house, but only if I'm planning to be seen and taken seriously (i.e. work).

What kept you sane? 

This question assumes I'm sane in any way. This year has been hard. So, drugs, silly laughter, podcasts, therapy, good people. 

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

The people behind BLM who have taught me so much--which I now understand they are not required to do. I'm well past the "crush" stage for celebrities, but this year has shown a decided disconnect from reality for so many celebrities that it's almost impossible to think of one that isn't somewhat of an asshole.

What political issue stirred you the most? 

ALL OF THEM. I mean, BLM for sure, but the immigration situation, the cozying up to Putin, the politicization of COVID......I could list dozens.

Who (or what) did you miss? 

I missed not have to worry about dying every day. I missed having a President to admire.

Who was the best new person you met?

The people who are using our food pantry at work, both those stocking it up and those taking things from it. They are rock-solid people.

And, though I didn't meet him in person, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Did you enjoy any good sunsets? 

I saw more sunrises than -sets due to the orientation of my house. There was a really lovely one last Wednesday, despite the fact that it boded ill for the weather later in the day. 

Who did you meet and what did you like about them? I

I don't know of any specific people I met this year. Oh, the hospice staff was wonderful!

What did you experience for the first time?  

Planning a funeral on my own. Sparky was there, but only as a backup.

How do you know you are older? 

I fall down a lot.

How do you know you are wiser?  

I do not know that. I see no proof it it.

What are your regrets about last year? 

Ohhhh [gestures vaguely] just everything.

Where did you go that you have never been before? 

The only thing I can think of is car shopping as a person supposedly knowing what I'm doing, and the local funeral home.

Did you have any meetings that you find memorable? 

Like many others, I have to say that Zoom meetings as a "thing" has been a memorable change. The absolute LACK of in-person meetings at a table within 6 feet of each other.

Did you walk in the park, or at the beach, or in the woods, or by a mountain stream? 

The majority of the walking I did in 2020 was between my new recliner and the kitchen or bathroom.

What would you do again? 

I'd totes do what I did to counteract the spread of the virus. Otherwise, the year is kind of a write-off.

What would you do over? 

I would go on vacation in February. Or January.

Why is your life better?  

I finally got the 401(k) thing sorted out after nearly 3 years of disjointed attempts. I no longer owe $100,000+ to the nursing home, finally.

Why is it not? 

[again, I gesture around vaguely]

What unique opportunities did you miss? 

ALL OF THEM. 

If you met yourself for the first time this year would you strike up a friendship?

Probably. I'm pretty easy to meet.

What flowers did you smell for the first time? What food tasted? What music danced to? 

I don't think I smelled any new flowers this year, but we finally got a Chipotle and I'm enjoying trying out their menu, and I didn't listen to a lot of music. So very little dancing.

What will make this year different from last year?  

Huh. I have no optimism anymore.

Did you spend any time listening to yourself? What did you say?  

I try really hard not to listen to myself lately because I'm not a lot of fun to hang around with. I fake it just as well as ever, but my inner life is pretty grim.

If you put this year in a food grinder and made sausages out of it, what would they taste like?

This is such a weird question, but really easy to answer this year: shit.

In what respects was last year a pivotal year? 

It was probably the most pivotal year in recent American (world?) history. There's no end to the ways that I view the world differently today than I did January 1, 1920.

If time and events flow like a river, what was your relationship with that river this year?
A. drifting downstream with Huck Finn on a log
B. swimming upstream like a salmon to spawn
C. shooting the class IV rapids
D. up the creek without a paddle
E. the Zen monk moving deftly in the roiled pool at the base of the tall falls. 

Lots of A interspersed with intervals of C and D.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned last year. 

Find something that matters and support it like it's the end of the world. It is for people inside that issue.

Quote a song lyric or poem that sums up your year.