The Queen's Meme

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Cooking 101 Meme
I could use some cooking advice. In fact, I could use a LOT of cooking advice. Would you indulge me? If you've read my blog very long you know that my kitchen disasters are legendary. I have a few culinary questions for you. Please feel free to share recipes!! (and instructions on how to decode them) This makes me laugh, as I loathe cooking, so it's a bit like the obstinate leading the blind here, I fear....

1. What is the best dish you can cook?

The guys like my mom's mac-n-cheese a lot. Like, a 6-person dish barely makes it with the three of us. Ridiculous.

2. Do I have to beat eggs or can I whip them gently? Sounds so violent to me.

You can buy them already mixed up at the store, y'know? That way you don't have to inflict any damage yourself whatsoever. I'm a firm believer in hiring out help. ;-)

3. I am reading a recipe right now for Hearty Beef-n-Cheese Pie from a recipe book I dug out of the cabinet. The instructions read..."Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In large frying pan, brown ground beef, onion and green pepper." I am already lost. Why must I turn on the oven and put the frying pan in it? And how does one turn beef AND peppers brown at the same time?! What color should the onion be?

Heh. Make sure you only put cast-iron or oven-proof pots or pans inside the oven. However, I would recommend using the skillet on the stovetop while you wait for the oven to heat up. As for color, the meat will turn brown, the peppers will just more intensely green and softer, and the onions will go mostly clear. If anything beyond the meat gets brown, it's all been in there too long.

4. Did you ever cook something for your family that no one enjoyed and you had to throw out?

Many times. I remember one horrible batch of mac-n-cheese that was, somehow, curdled. And we still regularly have to nuke chicken that I've undercooked. Twenty-five years and I still can't consistently make sure chicken is cooked through!

5. Why do all recipes say "mix sugar, flour and salt?" Don't they cancel out the other?

Salt brings out the taste of other ingredients. Supposedly. I don't use much of it, though. Don't do what one of my sisters did, though, and mix up the amounts of salt and sugar when making a cake: 2 tsp. salt not 2 CUPS.

6. Why must you add eggs "one at a time" to a mixing bowl? Does anybody really know the answer to this question?

Because if you pour them all in at once (see #2) you will end up with clumps in your batter or splashes of egg/batter all over the kitchen if the mixer is turned up high enough. Trust me.

7. Please post the recipe to something you think even I can cook. I am begging you! It is no fun being a afraid of my own crockpot.

In the morning, get the crockpot out and plug it in. Turn it on "low." From the pantry, collect cans of tomato sauce, tomato paste, diced tomatoes, refried beans, 1 or 2 other kinds of beans, tomato soup, chickpeas, chilis, salsa....whatever you have that can be dumped in the crock. If you want meat, you'll have to brown some up in the skillet, maybe even with some onions and peppers, and a packet of chili seasoning. Start emptying cans into the crockpot with the meat, and make sure you use refried beans and tomato paste. When it's just about 3/4 full (or slightly more) stop dumping. Toss in some chili seasoning and a bay leaf (or not), stir it all up, put on the lid, grab your keys and head to work. We call this Chili Dump and it has, literally, NEVER failed us. It also never tastes exactly the same.

I'm snorting with laughter at the thought of me giving cooking advice. My mom would be proud.

OK, not with that last 'recipe' but...at least she might be pleased that I know how to brown meat.