Monday Mayhem

(Link in meme-roll)
The News Headline
For every prompt, news headline, share your once sentence synopsis of what the story is about.*

1. Estimated size of oil spill doubles

We are engineers who can't do math. And also, we've never had an oil spill, so we don't need to worry about how to fix it in the eventuality of one occurring. Exxon Valdez? That's an American company; we Brits know how to do thing properly. ... Wait, what?

2. 200+ graves mishandled at Arlington

Cannon Fodder Is Us.

3. Trapped man tries to sever his own arm

Mr. McGyver rues the day he went on vacation with nothing in his pockets besides lint. Dentures just don't cut the mustard. Or tendons and bone for that matter.

4. Lady Gaga's foul play at Mets game

Apparently, she didn't understand that "pop fly" has nothing to do with fashion.

5. 'Housewife' loses 29 lbs. in 3 wks

The triplets are doing just fine, too.

6. Topless pinatas distracting drivers

Those NASCAR guys just can't get enough candy!

7. Salma Hayek's snake freak out

"Caterpillars on my forehead are one thing, but a cobra around my chest is a whole other matter!"

8. Nominate a 2010 CNN Hero

Vote early, vote often! After all it's already JUNE so we need 'em NOW.

9. Drug companies share data to speed brain research

They've been watching Sesame Street lately and there was this whole amazing thing about cooperation that they took to heart.

10. Delta apologizes for putting kids on wrong flights

Parents say thanks, "but y'know the house is actually so much calmer without them in it." They are now wondering if Delta will ship those kids back to the "wrong" destinations.

11. Letters to the Editor

Cranks with way too much time on their hands and no connection to the real world.

12. College men need to recognize the macho culture for what it really is: insecurity

College "men" need to act like men instead of overgrown 8-year-olds. Like that's ever gonna happen....

*Keep in mind that these answer are meant wholly in jest and they don't necessarily portray my actual, full feelings about the stories themselves (some of which I have no information about aside from the headline as given.