Monday Mayhem

(Link in meme-roll)
Gimme Your Best Response
You know those people who are always telling you how and what to do? We want to be prepared for the next time they provide us with their fine interventions.

1. Are you putting on weight? You face looks fat.

Seriously? My face never looks fat--I am blessed with that genetic blessing, so "Just a little dental surgery, thanks for asking. Nice of you to ask." I'd probably do my best to drool and spit on them while answering, too.

2. You should wash your clothes in the expensive detergent. What you are using is not working.

"Odd you should mention that brand. We just switched from that this week. Since this is from an earlier load, I guess it's a good thing we did switch, eh?!

3. Are you sure you should be eating that piece of cake?

"Why? Is it spiked? Or just yucky?" I have actually said words to that effect, in complete innocence. Didn't even realize it was a dig till much, much later.

4. You shouldn't be friends with that person.

"...because...?" or "Seriously? Are you my mom?" Though in my case, my mom's line was usually, "I just don't like that [name]" accompanied by a head shake.

5. That shirt is not the right color for you.

"Ssshhh! I'm trying to convince people here I'm not goth!"

6. Why would you work at that crappy job?

"Oh, but it's gotten so much better in the last couple of months!! In fact, things have been great since about...uh, yeah...the day after you left."

7. You're not cutting your steak correctly. This is how you should be doing it.

"Dude, I have a steak knife in my hand. Think this through, eh?" Again, I would say or have  said this pretty much verbatim.

8. Is that all you do all day is sit on your computer?

"Yup. Well, no, not ON it, but AT it, yes."

9. You should use Pledge on the dust in your house.

"Actually, I think I should use a dustcloth. Just spraying things on the wood tends not to work."

10. When are you going to get married/have kids/get divorced (choose which one relates to you)?

"Really? Even my MOM doesn't ask that, primarily because she's not an idiot."
By the way, none of them 'relate to me' as I am married/have spawned/am not interested in a divorce. How about "When are you going to retire?" or "When are you going to move closer with those grandkids?" or "When are you going to quit your job and come take care of me full time?"

11. I'm thinking about staying at your house for 2 weeks for my vacation.

"Great timing: that's when we'll be replumbing in all the bathrooms! You can HELP!"

12. When you are at the store will you get me 2 pounds of bananas and some bread? Oh, and here is some money so you can buy my mother some eggs, prunes and Depends. I'll need separate receipts of course.

Prunes AND Depends just begs for a comment all by itself, but I'll limit my response to "I'll keep the change. What size Depends?"
See, cuz I actually do this already for a few people. This is the only one I don't find particularly horrendous, unless it's being spoken to me by someone I don't know well.