The Dating Profile Meme

(Link in meme-roll)
Going to Pot
This is a bit different than an "answer this question" meme. Either you have used sites such as Match.com or Yahoo Personals or you’ve read them. Weekly, we scour those on-line dating sites to respond either a person's profile or often their headlines as most of us would really like to do.
[warning: I am really really angry about something unrelated to the subject of this post. Consider this a therapy session for me.]

1. I truly believe in a lid for every pot.

OK, so many things to say here. Am I the pot or the lid? And frankly, I'm much more interested in a completely different kind of pot tonight. I keep thinking of my mom's kitchen; she had one lid for all her saucepans, a beat-up piece of tin. Imagine my shock when I found out that normal people have more than one lid! :-) So, dude, this is NOT going to work out for us. Bye.

2. i have chose to move on with my life and forget about my terrible past and moreover its part of the reason why i am on here hoping that i would be able to meet someone who is willing to accept me for whom i am.

Oh . Dear . Lord. You are so needy, hun. I'm afraid I can't help you out. With a profile like that, you are only going to find more trouble, I'm afraid.

3. I very much hope that sometime to me I will carry also shall find such person and I shall be happy with it.

This is one of those sentences that you've translated through three iterations of Google Translate before you posted it here, right? Cuz, yeah: incoherent much?

4. I am not interested in anyone who is not ready to be monogamous.

That's gonna be a problem...since I have this husband hanging around.

5. 1 Man, 1 Woman, Thats How Its Done.

Yup, that's how you start constructing the average moronic American sitcom. Make sure the guy is really fucking stupid, too, or it won't work.

6. Bottom line I'm looking for someone who fears the Lord, who is willing to pray with his partner and share the ministry for which Christ has in store for us.

Christ wants you to go line out your sentences, learn grammar, and get back to Him before you start dating. Yes, I'm aware that you are at least 37 and haven't started dating, but really: knowing how to use English is that important.

7. At the moment I am not looking for a long term relationship.

What I wouldn't give to lock you and #4 in a room with a video camera to see what ensues!

8. I do hope you are active yourself and “tolerate” my passion for triathlons.

How long will you be gone? Cuz, yeah...I've got this husband who travels a lot, so this could actually work out really well for me.

9. I won't shut up because i talk alot.

Thus proving yourself right, and who can argue with that? Well, no one, since you never shut up. I doubt you'll even notice me leaving. No, wait, don't follow me. Stop! No, I...hey! I'm trying to use the bathroom here, do you mind?!

10. What to put....really...I know who I am, and it took me a long time to figure out that that person is really great, but I'm learning.

So you have figured it out? Or you are still learning? Or...what? I think maybe you should give it all up and take up golf so you can put[t] something.