I can...

(from Allison)

The Rules: Bold the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. Sarcastic comments in parenthesis are encouraged.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. (Quit while you're ahead.) (Move on.) (Know which side your bread is buttered on.)

2. Tell if someone is lying. (I suck at this.)

3. Take a photo. (I've owned a camera for 35 years, give or take. Now, if the statement had been "take a good photo" I might not have bolded it!)

4. Score a baseball game. (Count this as half bolded, since I can't do all the defensive bits.)

5. Name a book that matters. (All books matter, at least to their authors!)

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (I know far, far, far too much about the Beatles.)

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. (Beast operates the grill--I don't.)

8. Not monopolize the conversation. (I fear I tend to talk too much in public.)

9. Write a letter. (I can. I don't very often.)

10. Buy a suit. (For someone else, yes. I don't buy suits for myself, however.)

11. Swim three different strokes. (I can drown at least that many ways, though.)

12. Show respect without being a suck-up.

13. Throw a punch.

14. Chop down a tree. (There's been no call for that in my life, ever.)

15. Calculate square footage. (Hi, dad.)

16. Tie a bow tie. (See my response for #14 and multiply by, oh, 4000.)

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Presby Punch, Sun Tea...)

18. Speak a foreign language. (Hablo español, y puedo leer muchas otras.)

19. Approach a woman/man out of his/her league. (As part of my job, everything is possible!)

20. Sew a button. (Of course. Guess what Sparky's 'course' for the summer is, too!)

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (Pays to have British rellies; we argue all the time.)

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (...er, no, and what a messed-up phrase. I'm not even sure what I'm not bolding here.)

23. Be loyal. (Woof.)

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. (WHOSE? What? Uh?)

25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (Well, I'd have to think about it to the extent of finding a hammer...)

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. (I like casting. I hate the actual waiting for a bite...)

27. Play gin with an old guy. (Gosh, I haven't played gin in eons! I'll play cards, or board games, with anyone. Really.)

28. Play go fish with a kid. (See??)

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (Who is "he"??)

30. Feign interest. (Otherwise known as "Have a conversation with a man...")

31. Make a bed. (Is it possible that not everyone can?)

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. ("Mmmmm--that hits the spot!")

33. Hit a jump shot in pool.

34. Dress a wound. (Tux and tails, ahoy.)

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. (I can figure out how to do two of these, but Beast generally deals with them or I go to the shop.)

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. ("Damn!" "Shit!" "CRAP!"--??)

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. (I've been able to do this for almost 35 years...maybe more.)

38. Tell a joke. (A horse walks into a bar...)

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. (If I can split his cards, I'll do it whenever, regardless of the rules. Mine, however...yeah, I know when.)

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. ("Yo! You! Stop!")

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. (I can. Still working on Sparky in this arena.)

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (See #40.)

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (Why would I do this when Beast can handle it without any input from me?)

44. Ask for help. (Is it not obvious that I have no issues whatsoever on this subject?!)

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. ("His" WHO, dammit??)

46. Tell a woman’s dress size.

47. Recite one poem from memory. ("Candy/Is dandy/But liquor/Is quicker.")

48. Remove a stain. (Yawn.)

49. Say no. (Circling back to this habit....)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. (Thanks, Dad.)

51. Build a campfire. (I have internalized all the instructions Beast has given on this subject over the years. See #30.)

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. (I can clean up vomit with the pros. Also change a diaper. I can't fire people though. You'll have to find someone else for that one.)

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Verbally only.)

54. Break up a fight. (Never had the opportunity to practice this. Thank God!)

55. Point to the north at any time. (Isn't North always 'up'??)

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (CBA--and that's what Amy is all about so I don't need to!)

57. Explain what a light-year is.

58. Avoid boredom. (Stealing Allison's answer: "Hello, meme!")

59. Write a thank-you note. (I've badly sloughed off on this one over the past few years.)

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (But only one: Lofthouse Iced Sugar Cookies!)

61. Cook bacon. (But I don't. Often.)

62. Hold a baby. (...sigh...I missed my chance last Sunday. The baby was stolen from me before I could snag her!)

63. Deliver a eulogy. (I'd have to memorize it and I'd still get all stupid.)

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. (I think that's a little strong. He was no hero, really, but a son of a bitch? Er, no. No worse than Sam Walton. ;-o)

65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (I t'row like a goyl. I'm getting better at the football, however.)

66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (...but still can't spiral.)

67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (Yeah...NOT.)

68. Find his/her way out of the woods if lost.

69. Tie a knot. (Nothing fancier than a square knot or a bow.)

70. Shake hands. (Not too hard, not to squishy...and boys, PLEASE don't make me shake like a girl! I fuckin' hate that!)

71. Iron a shirt. (Thanks, Mom!)

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. (Not that I have one in the car currently....)

73. Caress a woman’s neck. (Enough.)

74. Know some birds. (There's Amy. And Jenny. And penguins.)

75. Negotiate a better price. (I don't negotiate. It's against my religion!)