Chooseday

Would you rather:

...have your own food network tv show OR your own show on NBC?

Neither, though the way I cook, it would be entertaining listening to the pitch for a show on the Food Network!

...sit on 100 pounds of ice for an hour OR be lectured at about your illicit behavior by a priest and your parents?

I don't think I could do the hour on the ice. I know I could do the time being lectured, assuming it's the same length, and assuming at the end I could do what I normally do when authority figures boss me 'round: ignore them.

...be attacked by a swarm of mosquitos OR a gang of squirrels?

A gang of squirrels? Really, they're swarming in gangs now? With leather jackets and tattoos and "beat-ins" and all? Hee.
Mosquitos. Itching is better than rabies. Though...Lime disease...ok, no, squirrels.

...be a strict vegan OR hard-core atkins diet follower?

I couldn't do vegan. I'd probably want to kill myself on Atkins, but I'd definitely be healthier, so let's go that way.