Thursday 13

(Link in meme-roll)
Rules for Facebook* (and other social media sites as needed)

1. Every day, post pictures of your kids captioned with things like "my heroes", "my babies" (even if they're in school or older), and "amazing" things they've done. Like take their first step, join a sports team, smile in their Kindergarten photo, etc. Be sure to focus on the firstborn especially.
2. Every day, tell people you are grateful for whatever your latest kick is: working out, skywriting, creative toenail clipping. Take LOTS of pictures of yourself "proving" You Did It!
3. Be sure to momjack every post your friends make about their kids and/or their day by injecting yourself and/or your kids/family into their story. "I remember when your baby Angie was diagnosed with pediatric leukemia because that's the day Verdant-Green found out she was going to sit in the blue chair at daycare!! Crazy, eh?" Or, "Your dad was nice. I wish he hadn't died. Remember when he drove us to my 16th birthday party after I thought my party was ruined because my mom and dad's car broke and they told me I'd have to cancel the reservation at the roller rink. I was so mad that day!"
4. When people you don't like very much ask you questions, be sure to respond by answering someone else. Who didn't ask that question. For example, Jane asks, "How is your knee feeling where you fell on it?" be sure to answer "I can't believe how much my knee still hurts, Kathy! You didn't tell me it would hurt this long!"
5. Train your kids to have the same fake smile you wear in all your selfies and to plaster it on whenever a camera appears.
6. Thank God publicly at least weekly for your husband and kids and extended family because they are awesome.
7. Leave people wondering if you actually have a job because you literally NEVER talk about it. If you happen to be James Bond, we know he'd make some shit up about the water cooler, but not you. Nope. You are the original "stealth employee." [This does apply to those SAHM and SAHDs, by the way. No mention of housework, errands, dishwashing or shopping, or anyone delivering anything--that's forbidden. Only discuss your family and Very Close Friends.]
8. Be happy all the time. EVERYTHING is fine. ALWAYS.
9. Mention at least weekly the same "weird fact" about your life you think makes you super-duper special: your mis-matching eye colors, your twin brother who was a high school baseball star, your GPA in college, your dad's run for governor in 1982. But DO NOT mention anything interesting like your GPA was so high despite having mono twice, or that your twin brother works for MSF (Doctors Without Borders). Or, frankly, anything else anyone else has done. Stick to what we know already. Don't vary it too much or we might get lost.
10. Remind us regularly that your kids are star athletes, get perfect grades, wear cool clothes, have awesome friends with whom they do unbelievable things, think about growing up to be superheroes or running Apple or the U.S., and always have a fabulous attitude about things. Because those of us with normal kids who are klutzy, dyslexic, too poor to buy fun clothes, don't make friends easily, and are just hoping to not get suspended from school tomorrow so forget far-distant adulthood feel like total losers. This is REALLY IMPORTANT. Never, ever, share frustrations or moments of even vaguely awkward parenting. Because you never have them.
11. Always be sincere. And earnest. These are critical parts of your social media persona. When in doubt, pull out SMUG. That guarantees a win.
12. Always talk about your husband's side job. Not the one that pays the mortgage, but the one you can participate in yourself and thus tell us about it. Endlessly.
13. I can't think of another one. I'm too crabby from the first 12.

* I was actually prepared to post this ON Facebook when I realized that this is a much better place to rant. No one reading this that I know on Facebook does this so I'm hoping you won't be offended by it, whereas the people on Facebook who are self-aware enough to see themselves will get all pissy.