Patrick's Place

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Sunday 7
Name the seven most important things you think a couple should do before getting married.

1. TALK! About being married, about their parents' marriages, about kids, about money. Be honest, with the other person, and yourself. This will probably lead to the next thing.
2. Argue. I am not advocating drama or arguing-for-arguments'-sake, but I do think people need to stand on their convictions. It's also good to find out how the other person in a relationship is going to behave when things go badly. Because they will, eventually.
3. Meet each other's families. As many as possible. It's best to know about Crazy Cousin Chet and Odd Aunt Alice as soon as possible. If they annoy you now, it's only going to get worse. Can you handle that?
4. Do some couples counseling. Most churches at least make a gesture in this direction. It's a good idea. I haven't met a couple who has gone through it that thought it wasn't stupid at the time, but if you pay attention you might learn something, even if it takes you a decade to realize.
5. Spend some time apart. Like, WAAAY apart. If you still like each other after 3 months of living in different zip codes, that's a good sign. And I'm not talking about the first day or so of being back together. Check in after a couple of weeks. Are there new and different things that annoy the crap out of you about him/her? Uh-oh. When you're dating, you're on your best behavior; things will only annoy you more after you're married. Back to #1, and maybe #2. Also, part of this is "can you live without him/her?" Because you can. You may not want to, but you can. Don't get so caught up in your emotions that you make yourself 100% dependent on the other person for your very existence. Yeah, life would suck without the person you love most, but you have to have some kind of ability to stand on your own too.
6. Laugh. At yourself, and each other, at stupid things, at serious things. Laugh a lot. If you are spending a lot more time arguing and making up, or being sad, or whatever, go back to #5.
7. Live together. I'm (not necessarily) talking about the sex part of this, which is what people seem to always get clenched over. I'm really talking about finding out that he leaves the open cereal box on the kitchen counter every morning, and she folds the laundry weird, etc. The whole "toothpaste squeezing", toilet-seat-up-or-down, housekeeping style differences.

Probably the most important thing is not to let other people tell you what your relationship is supposed to look like. If you're honest with yourself and the other person, that's more important than anything else.