A day late....and they are hard questions

3x Thursday

1. At what point do you finally decide it's time to move forward with your life (like, major changes)? How do you know? What do you do?

When I've spent hours and hours crying over something... ;-)

I'm trying to think of a recent major change, or even an older one, and how I got there. Probably the biggest major change for me was deciding to have a baby. Here's the thing: I was about 28 and mentioned to the Beast that we should probably start thinking about babies. Once he wrapped his head around it--or should I say, by the time he wrapped his head around it--I was ready too. Then it took nearly a year to actually GET pregnant.

I'd like to say it was a logical, well-reasoned internal discussion, but it wasn't. I just knew. Like I knew that I could trust The Beast enough to marry him. I...just knew I could.

It's totally not rational, and in my occasionally rational moments, I tend to panic about "what if..." but then I guess the faith kicks back in (some would call it foolishly willful blindness, I suppose) and it all seems very obvious.

2. When is it time to just let it ('it' can be whatever you choose) go? How do you know? What do you do?

The Beast would say I don't ever let things go. Or at least that's the way I feel! Memory like an elephant, that's me. I stay hurt a l-o-n-g time. It took me over 5 years to stop crying all the time after my sister died. I still twitch when I think of the library director who was my first 'real' boss. I can't stand the girls in high school who were bitches (now, I must say, I was pretty well over this until our class reunion, when several of them turned out to be just as horrible as they were 20-25 years ago...some of them even worse!). I'm still pissed at my brother for telling me to shut up 8 years ago (he's never apologized, even though I called him an asshole as I left the room that night).

My former boss (see above) said I was like a terrier when I had something in mind. I just worried and tugged and pulled on it to distraction. I hate to admit: she's right. A good trait for a reference librarian, one would think. Not such a good trait for interpersonal relationships, however.

3. How many times must someone push your buttons before you've just had enough? Why?

I really don't let this go on too long after I notice it. The key there is that I don't always notice it very quickly. But once I do notice, I always figure I have three choices: 1) I can continue to let it drive me nuts, 2) I can fix it so those buttons don't work anymore or 3) I can take myself out of the relationship.

The most recent situation like this ended up being choice 3 but I'm still hoping that I can get to choice 2 with some space and time to pull myself together. In this instance I let it go on too long after I was aware of the button-pushing--out of obstinacy and "doing the right thing"--so when I finally couldn't deal anymore I really blew up.

However, this just reinforces that my normal strategy of not letting it fester is the best approach for me. This generally means working toward choice 2 if (as in the most recent case) I think it's just personality issues. If I perceive it as an intentional thing, something the other person is doing on purpose, then it's right to choice 3. It may not even mean communication is shut down entirely, but my side of the communication is curtailed to purely superficial "safe" subjects: the weather, sports, etc.

Bonus Question for Comments: When is enough, enough?

Enough is enough when you feel yourself fragmenting. If you can't find your core anymore, it's time to find another path.

Whew! I need a drink, now that I've finished these....