Monday Melee

(Link at left)

1. The Misanthropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.

{knock-knock} Hello? {knock-knock} Roll your window down? Thanks. Hey, I'm super-glad you came to the Memorial Day parade today. I'm glad you fitted out your kids with plastic grocery bags so they could beg for candy from the people in the parade; that meant I had virtually no candy thrown at me, and that's nothing but good. But you know what? You parked in the library's employee parking lot. You aren't an employee; I am, but hey, I'm cool with that since the library is closed. It's good that you parked your SUV and walked that block over to J street to sit on someone else's lawn and drop cigarette butts and candy wrappers there. It's a nice day for that sort of thing, if you like that sort of thing.

But here's the thing, yo: the parade that finished passing you over there just now? Yeah, that one. It comes back down Library Street about 20 minutes later to finish up. And, here's the thing: there's only one exit from the lot where you parked. The exit is onto Library Street. Which has Girl Scouts and pony carts and kids playing trombones and flutes in it. You know: in the parade. For another 20 minutes. So, guess what: you can't get out of the parking lot, like, till the parade is, uhm, OVER?! Where exactly do you need to be in Teh Big Hurry? It's a holiday. The race was yesterday.

And, yo, gas? It's $3.65/gallon? So, like, your exhaust--which is blowing the face of that old lady you pulled up next to--is like, GREEN. Money-green. But it still stinks. The weather, yo? It's about 65 and breezy, with low humidity and No Sun, thus negating the necessity of using your AC.

Hello? Are you listening? No, I didn't think so. Is this clearer? TURN OFF YOUR GODDAMN ENGINE!! GET OUT OF YOUR CAR!! MAKE NICE WITH PEOPLE, WAVE AT THE NICE VETERANS (take off your hat, you moron, when the flag passes), AND FUCKING RELAX!!!

Oh, so now I'm the crank? Yeah. OK.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.

See above.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.

See above, yet again.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.

The veterans, and the current soldiers serving here and abroad, continuing to stand for ideals we like to give lip-service to. They are serving in Afghanistan and elsewhere helping make it ok for your kids to have 5 pounds of candy thrown to them, and for you to burn up an equivalent weight of oil out of sheer laziness. I think you owe them the courtesy of standing up straight, taking off your absurd hat, and shutting your mouth.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.

I didn't say any of this (out loud) to anyone today.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.

A cure for allergies. Not a make-do, but a cure.